We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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