you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
