By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
