So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
