His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
