Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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