Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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