i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
