At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
