he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
