I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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