Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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