He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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