Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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