From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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