i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
