I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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