shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Randomize
