I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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