hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize