omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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