Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The ass gains better be worth it
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