I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
