So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize