My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
