you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
