You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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