he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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