do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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