dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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