Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
