mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
