I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
