I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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