He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
