I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
