Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This is my gift to your gina
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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