There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
