i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
