Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
