they need to just BURY HIM!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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