Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
