I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
