yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
