I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
