So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
