She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
