I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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