I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize