Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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