i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
