Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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