last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
