Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
