My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
