My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
