I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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