What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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