you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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