I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ugly people sure do ruin things
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize